We all know Lush, the beautiful “handmade fresh cosmetics” company, dedicated to fighting animal testing and providing the most natural skincare possible. You walk past and can’t help but be lured in by that oh-so-overwhelming sweet smell, one moment citrus, then chocolate, then patchouli. It’s a kind company that cares about its employees* and the world we live in.
Yeah, you know the place I’m talking about.
When I was a consultant at Lush, I was trained to be as bright and genuine in social interactions as possible. While it creates a fantastic store environment for customers, it can also be really. Fucking. Exhausting.
Here are all the things I** wish I could say when I was holding your soap, acting as your councillor, and being abused by your boyfriend and his fear of glitter.
- No, you can’t eat the facemasks. It was funny the first 500 times we heard it, and now it makes a small piece of us die inside every time we hear it. You know you can’t eat them, so stop. Asking.
- Literally everything is a chemical. Air is a chemical. So when you come in here asking for something that has “no chemicals” in it, we can’t do shit for you.
- Don’t come in 5 minutes before close and ask for a full skincare consultation. I’ve just spent eight hours in a state of manic enthusiasm, and right now I want to go home and sleep, not figure out what fresh hell your skin has unleashed on you.
- Just because you saw it on youtube doesn’t mean it’s right for your skin. We are very, very well trained, so when we recommend something based on an in-depth consultation, you can bet your ass that it’ll be more appropriate than something that “looked cool on the internet”.
- The bath bombs won’t stain your bath unless that shit is dirty. Stop being gross and wash your bath out once in awhile.
- Yes. Men can use soaps. You can check that fragile masculinity at the door and wash yourself like a normal human. Everyone thinks you’re pathetic for still using Lynx beyond the age of 16.
- The products are priced the way they are because we source good shit, ethically. We’re not even that expensive – like, have you been to Mecca or Myer?
- We’re that friendly because that’s the environment the company wants. Don’t mistake me for your counsellor. I’m being paid to sell you soap, not talk you through a bad breakup. I don’t get paid extra for that kind of emotional labour.
- Just because we’re helping you out with your skin, it doesn’t give you the right to comment on ours. If you say something like “if this stuff works, how come you have pimples” I also have the right to turn around and refuse to serve you. Do us all a favour and stop being a shitheel.
- Stop asking “does it work”, like you’re expecting us to drop the act and give you the “hidden truth”. We’re at work, what the soap do you expect us to tell you?
Next time you go shopping, remember that the people serving you are just as empty and bitter on the inside as you are.
*no company truly cares about it’s employees, especially in retail.
**these are the thoughts of two bitter girls who don’t work at Lush anymore, not the company or any (known) current employees.